Unanswered Questions

Kirby here...

This beloved 6.5 acres of land where we all experience life is sacred ground.  Pop literally left his fingerprints and footprints on every square inch of this place.

Every year at about this time, we reluctantly emerge from our winter hibernation and start perusing the greenhouses to see how our plants are doing.  Sometimes they need a little water, sometimes a little weeding.  But we always have lots of troubleshooting to do.

Water lines get frozen.
Heaters quit working.
Greenhouse plastic gets ripped.
Rodents eat things.
Trucks need repairs.
Plants need to be ordered.
New crew members need to be hired.

And we have always had a radio on our belts or a speed dial on our phone to ask Pop a million questions.  Sometimes we've relied on his decades of experience, sometimes we just want to brainstorm together to come up with the best course of action.

But the delight was always in the conversations...  Chats leaning in office chairs, or in our living rooms, or in the middle of a bridge game, or in greenhouses, under the hood of a truck, crawling around in the dirt underneath the tractor.  And perhaps most often across the table at breakfast.  You know, wherever you need to go you can always stop for breakfast on the way...

That was Pop's signature: breakfast.  The Egg & I Restaurant was his "other office."  I wonder how many hours he spent there- with us, with friends. But always with a twinkle in his eye over a waffle as he squeezed the last of the tea out of his tea bag and looked across the table- we all felt LOVED. And delighted in. Doted on. Encouraged and challenged.

But this year, the radio is quiet and there's no speed dial to reach Pop.  And so we cry in the middle of the day because of unanswered questions.  And we long for another breakfast. Another conversation. Another cup of tea.

I think that's the Beauty of this story that's unfolding: the Great Longing.

As Poppy put it in a card he once wrote: "Anticipation- sometimes aches...   but always has a tingle..."

This separation isn't our final experience- it isn't the last chapter of the book.  This is Anticipation.  And for right now it aches.

But the tingle is the magic.  The tingle is the enduring hope that all that Jesus Christ said is true- that our bodies are passing away, but our spirits endure until we meet again.

And so we can start each day with a renewed smile of Anticipation. And breakfast of course...

Focus

Stephanie Here...

Mr. Owl woke me up today in the tree right outside my window. Another reminder that God is present and also that my Poppy is not here....still. It is certainly hard getting used to. So, I find myself with two things going on simultaneously. The focus of being God's beloved daughter, living in delight, being delighted in, peace, rest and simplicity. AND the focus of missing my Poppy so very much, watering without his footsteps behind me, no tea dates in the morning, missing the sound of his voice and the feel of his hands. I miss the texture of him. The chasm he leaves is so very big because the life he lived was so very deep. He filled every inch of this place. His absence is something I just cannot get used to and many days I have a hard time fathoming.

Focus...

It is like two train tracks running in my mind at the same time, the track of knowing I am the beloved and live in promise and the track of memories, longing, and missing my Poppy. They are both running. Sometimes I camp out on the Poppy train and after a while that train does not take me into healing places. The train of God's promises, on the other hand, does. This train takes me into true focus where everything seems so clear and so lovely and where life happens and life is restored. My Poppy rides with me on this train, he is most vivid to me here. It is the path to newness and life.

A few days ago I was rearranging the desk that we shared in the office, Poppy and I. I was going through all his notes, projects and papers. Enjoying seeing his handwritten notes everywhere and making files for them. I also got an "office kitty" to live in there and share my desk with me. She is gray and soft and wonderful. I made a bulletin board of pictures of my dad throughout his life but especially life at the nursery along with sayings he always said to me. I figured on long hot summer days when I am sitting there I can look up there and always be reminded how close he is and how much he taught me. When I finished up that day I said to Poppy..."I'm living Poppy, I am going to live."

2 Cor. 1:20 says, "For no matter how many promises God has made they are YES in Jesus."

I am living by so many promises and digesting them daily and reminding myself of them daily. Because focus is the key and 5 minutes away from Jesus as the focus and it's like a train wreck, literally.

Focus...

Video Greetings from Al My Pal

The dinner celebration for Pop last night was absolutely beautiful!  More than 200 people gathered for a special meal and to share memories and tributes to his great loving life and to bring glory to God.  We'll have some video footage from the dinner available here on the blog later, but for now please enjoy these videos:

Al reflects about Love and Life:

A Photo Montage of Al's Life and Journey:

The Ripple Effect

Kirby here...

Never before has it felt so pungently real how brief our lives on earth really are.  I have studied Al's life more intensely these past few weeks than I ever had before, and my respect for him is off the charts.  He lived and loved so very well.

And the effect of his life surfaces in the tears and loving words of so many people who have spoken up these past weeks- people I've never met.  The twinkle in Al's eye and his encouraging words and his ability to see the best in us makes him larger than life.

And living a "larger than life" life starts with the thousand small decisions we make every day: how we speak to our wives and children, how we are kind to total strangers, how we engage with our friends and invest our time and energy into relationships.

Everything else will either rot or burn or get eaten by mice.

Throw a stone in a lake and watch the ripples to its very edges.  I'm watching how Al's stones of love thrown in the lake of life are lapping up along the shore at my feet...

Up

Lana here....

Every day we have choices to make...some menial, some carry more weight. I can choose sadness or delight and joy. It is a choice. To walk that out is sometimes a moment by moment determination. Depending on what I choose determines the reality of my day.

Al never hung onto negativity, especially in dealing with people. He gave great weight to his words and so he meant what he said and said what he meant....his no's were no and his yeses were yes.  So, this past week I had it on my heart to watch the movie UP, which I thought was seemingly odd. Ben and Britton decided to spend the night last evening and I asked them to bring that movie over. It is a beautiful love story on many levels, Carl, a retired balloon salesman  and his wife Ellie, and Carl and Russell an eight year old wanna be explorer. Ellie has kept a scrape book of all her "stuff I want to do" but, sadly, she passes away before they are able to do the one big trip to South America. The lovely ending, which was what spoke to my heart, is in the back of  her  book  and she has written "thanks for the adventure....now you go find a new one."

My question has become "what do you want to be for me in this God?" And everyday He shows "up". And it is enough......

An Extra Glass

Stephanie Here...

Last night was New Year's Eve. A friend brought us some champagne and we were eager to have some along with a delicious serving of lasagna. I russelled up some glasses and poured the bubbly. As Kirby was handing them out we realized I had poured one too many. It was Poppy's glass. I included him, as I always do, without even thinking twice about it. Tears came when in a split second I realized that he is not here.

But he IS included. He is still in all the moments of our lives even now. We see his smile in our minds eye, hear his laugh, repeat his famous sayings and sense his wisdom. He will always be included because of the time and impact he made on our souls, our deep souls.

The cork from the champagne toast we did in the hospital with Poppy.

Today is the beginning of a new year, new things, new memories.

Reflections

Stephanie Here....

I remember writing last week, "diagnosis has no power." I have been reflecting on that sentence this week missing my Poppy so terribly yet still believing that statement.

As a family, we all took the posture that his diagnosis had no power over our hearts and minds or choices. It was not out of denial or wishful thinking but out of knowing and living in what is the truest of true. Joy, love and peace are free and always available to us in God regardless of circumstance and they are the truest gifts that bring life and freedom.

Focus is the key. What we focus on we magnify. If we focus on a diagnosis, a negative, we magnify it, we give it power over us to dictate how we proceed and how we view ourselves and our circumstance. This can only lead to feelings of despair, powerlessness, being overwhelmed, and depression. We have an enemy in this world, satan, who would love nothing more than to interpret our circumstance and put his spin on it. We have violently refused him that honor in the journey with my Poppy. Satan does not get a say in any of this. He gets to watch us glory in our God and not partner with the negative.

The beauty for all of us in not giving Poppy's diagnosis the power was that each day we were able to live to the full with him in freedom. We were present to him. We were fighting for him and his healing relentlessly. We were happy. We laughed a lot. We worshiped. We did not allow the negative...cancer...to loom over our heads. The result: some of the sweetest moments and deepest intentional times we have ever had together. If we had let the negative rule it would have robbed us of being present and filled with awe and joy. We would have been dreading the future, fearful, anxious and not at rest. We would have missed out on so much.

Negativity has power. Diagnosis has power......but only the power we give it. I refuse to give it my focus. Even now.


Please see previous post for details on Poppy's Memorial Dinner to be held on January 12th.