Reflections

Stephanie Here....

I remember writing last week, "diagnosis has no power." I have been reflecting on that sentence this week missing my Poppy so terribly yet still believing that statement.

As a family, we all took the posture that his diagnosis had no power over our hearts and minds or choices. It was not out of denial or wishful thinking but out of knowing and living in what is the truest of true. Joy, love and peace are free and always available to us in God regardless of circumstance and they are the truest gifts that bring life and freedom.

Focus is the key. What we focus on we magnify. If we focus on a diagnosis, a negative, we magnify it, we give it power over us to dictate how we proceed and how we view ourselves and our circumstance. This can only lead to feelings of despair, powerlessness, being overwhelmed, and depression. We have an enemy in this world, satan, who would love nothing more than to interpret our circumstance and put his spin on it. We have violently refused him that honor in the journey with my Poppy. Satan does not get a say in any of this. He gets to watch us glory in our God and not partner with the negative.

The beauty for all of us in not giving Poppy's diagnosis the power was that each day we were able to live to the full with him in freedom. We were present to him. We were fighting for him and his healing relentlessly. We were happy. We laughed a lot. We worshiped. We did not allow the negative...cancer...to loom over our heads. The result: some of the sweetest moments and deepest intentional times we have ever had together. If we had let the negative rule it would have robbed us of being present and filled with awe and joy. We would have been dreading the future, fearful, anxious and not at rest. We would have missed out on so much.

Negativity has power. Diagnosis has power......but only the power we give it. I refuse to give it my focus. Even now.


Please see previous post for details on Poppy's Memorial Dinner to be held on January 12th.

Memorial Dinner!

We have reserved The Pinery at Black Forest on January 12, 2014 at 4:00pm to gather for dinner and to celebrate Al's life!  This dinner is open to all who would like to attend- please make sure you RSVP no later than January 5, 2014.

In lieu of flowers or gifts, contributions can be made to the "Al Britton, Jr. Memorial Fund" (care of Farmers State Bank, 7025 Meridian Rd. Peyton, CO. 80831) which will be used to continue the projects Al started at Oasis of Hope Secondary School in Kenya.  

Please click here to view the Invitation

Bridge, Bees and Beer

Merry Christmas friends!  Today was beautiful.  Lana spent the night here so she was right in on the Christmas morning magic.  We even bought her a new stocking and filled it with lovely surprises.  The boys were totally full of wonder and life and we enjoyed the giving and receiving of delightful gifts.  We enjoyed tea and coffee, cooked up some bacon and eggs and even popped a bottle of asti spumante and made up some mimosas and toasted Poppy and the way he has taught us all to love better.  We let the tears come.  It is so healing to fill our hearts with celebration and joy.  What a juxtaposition.

This time of the year, Stephanie and I always have enjoyed countless rounds playing bridge together with Mom and Pop.  It was hard for me to realize that we'd lost the fourth member of our bridge club.  I've gotten pretty good at it.  We'll just have to teach someone how to play- probably Benjamin- he's a pretty sharp little dude.  But I'll always cherish the bridge memories.

Maybe you didn't know that Al was a bee keeper.  I learned a tad about bees in the last 16 years.  I grumbled about them when they swarmed and needed attention.  It always felt like a distraction to me.  But Pop loved those silly little buzzers.  He loved the life of bees and especially harvesting honey to give away as gifts as well as enjoy ourselves.  I'll always think of Pop when I see bees.  

Pop and I working the bees together in 2010. He never wore gloves- I wondered if he actually liked getting stung!

We've decided we're going to keep the bees.  I've got some things to learn and that's just fine.  But I'm going to keep them- it'll make Pop smile, I just know it.

Pop helped me learn to appreciate good beer.  Years ago he used to brew his own, so I inherited some of his old brewing equipment and it's become a fun past time of mine. I think it was Ben Franklin who said something like "beer is evidence that God loves us and wants us to be happy."  Pop enjoyed good beer.  I wonder how many beers I've enjoyed with him- I lost count. 

Pop and I at a London pub for fish n chips and beer in 2007.  We were on our way to Kenya.

Soon we're going to invite all of you to come and celebrate Poppy's life with us.  It's what he wanted!  Stay tuned for a date and time for the Big Party.  Details coming soon...

Christmas Eve Gifts

These past 3 days have been intensely pungent.  But they have not filled with darkness, despair or depression.  You see, tears don't necessarily need to be accompanied by those sort of painful sentiments.  Tears reveal the deepest longings of our souls.  And we have embraced every tear along this entire journey.  But our tears aren't hopeless - they are sacred and beautiful.

Lana spent the night with us at our house on Saturday night.  She had a little slumber party in Benjamin's room.  Sunday morning, the absence of Poppy was palpable.  We did what we always do on Sunday mornings- made fresh coffee and tea, set the table and enjoyed family breakfast together around the lighting of the fourth Advent candle.  I think we had as many tears on our pancakes as we did syrup.  But we nevertheless held hands around our little circle and prayed with thanksgiving and joy.

Sunday afternoon we took Lana to the Colorado Springs Philharmonic Christmas performance at the downtown Pikes Peak Center.  The combination of music and voices and celebration of Jesus was intense and we felt the performance was just to celebrate Poppy.  Handel's Messiah was Pop's favorite, you know.  In fact, we were playing The Messiah in his home during the last precious moments we had with him on Saturday afternoon.  And so as the Hallelujah Chorus began and everyone stood, time stood still.  Everyone in that auditorium stood for Poppy and his faithful life- they just didn't know it.  And I believe that Jesus Himself smiled and stood with us just like he did for Stephen. (Acts 7:55)  It was absolutely beautiful.  And healing for our hearts.

And then we came home and stuffed Christmas cards from the Nursery to all our customers.  Esther came over and helped us and she also gave us all Christmas presents, including the gifts she had for Pop.   Years ago he had written a poem and asked Esther to create an original painting to go with the poem.  None of us had seen the poem or the painting until we unwrapped them on Saturday night.  Here is what he had written:

 And here is what Esther painted for Poppy:

Original painting by Esther Langley, 2013

Most of you know about Pop's mission to keep our pond full of water.  He also had a passion for his Kenyan kids to have clean water.  So this image that Esther has created is an amazingly accurate representation of his heart to bring fresh and Living Water to the world.  Here he is in 2009 in what was the most victorious moment of his illustrious "water engineer" career!

Poppy in 2009 after we installed a 300-foot-long pipe to bring water from the point of our water right collection point directly into our reservoir pond.  His satisfied smile says it all!

Glory

Poppy, Al My Pal, to so many of you, passed away today at 1:50pm. Mom, Kirby, myself and a dear friend were with him singing over him with our love. It is a glorious and holy walk and so very bitter sweet.

Mom wanted me to share a short story. He has always called her Mrs.B as a term of affection for her. Today before he took his last breath on this earth, Mom said, "I just heard him say I Love You Mrs. B." Not 10 minutes later he had left us. He was saying goodbye to her, telling her he was leaving for a bit.

 But we know and declare that nothing is lost in the Kingdom of God. We will see him again so very soon. We are rejoicing with him today, not only with him but for him. He was gentle, kind, a companion to many, funny, wise, slow to anger and abounding in love, brilliant, and playful.

The most glorious part is that it is ALL true. Everything Jesus said, spoke and lived, it's all true. During this unexpected and difficult season He has walked with us, held our hearts, and blessed us with sweet gifts too numerous to list. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. We glory in His rescue today.

We will be holding a celebration dinner in honor of Poppy sometime after the first of the year. He gave us the menu and everything. He said all good celebrations and conversations happen around a meal and he wanted a party. It shall be done. Details will follow later. I will list them here in coming weeks. Also, Lana wanted me to tell you in lieu of flowers or gifts Poppy wanted all money to go towards Oasis of Hope in Kenya. It was a small school he had the honor of working with in his times over there and it would pay for the kids to have their meals there yearly. We promised him we would take care of those kiddos. We will be setting up a fund for them on Monday and I will also post details of that in a few days.

As Christmas sets in we wanted to remind you of what we heard Poppy talk about at his celebration dinner. Common and Majestic. The beauty of the humility of Christ coupled with the majesty of God. We rejoice and celebrate the most amazing happening of all time in a few days, the birth of Jesus. Rejoice, enjoy, celebrate. We will be doing the same.

Update on Diagnosis

Stephanie here...

We realized we had not updated you on what we learned about a specific diagnosis of Poppy's cancer. We finally received a diagnosis last Wednesday. It took 4 weeks to identify the type of cancer he has because it is so rare and no one knew what it was at first glance.

It is called Leiomyosarcoma. Here is a link if you would like to read more about it. http://www.lmsdr.org/whatis_leiomyosarcoma.php

We know that doctors do not get to determine our reality. We live by the spirit. I have seen such beauty and fruit pour forth from Pop's life this past month. God is about redemption, restoration and kindness. He does NOT cause horrible things to happen but He is right their to catch our hearts and to breathe His beauty into all things. He works within us and around us to bring blessing. This has been the case in watching Poppy these past few weeks pour out blessing and receive blessing as well.

Diagnosis has no power...

It's just a kitty

Lana here....

And so we are walking on holy ground here. Al is speaking The Kingdom here on earth to everyone who enters our house, visitors, neighbors, and nurses. I am treasuring each moment we have.

Al is tucked in for the night and we are listening to the Messiah, his favorite, there is PEACE all around and I realize what an honor and privilege I have been given to walk this journey with My Pal. To be a witness to his words, thoughts, memories and his funny camp songs.

One of our cats has come up injured...Monday, Boo Bear came in limping and hobbling, his hind leg compromised. And then he seemingly disappeared and we thought the worst. So, just before Al fell asleep he asked me if Bear showed up would I make certain he would get taken to the vet and cared for. And then he prayed, "Lord, I know he's just a kitty, but would you bring him home?" Not five minutes went by and Bear came through the kitty door....Al had to get up and pet him and I could see the relief in his eyes. I tell you this story because this has been part of our journey.....God in the smallest parts of our hearts, in the details of our lives.


I understand we are facing a "giant" and like David, God has equipped us for the battle, even before we knew there was one.  "The circumstances in front of us are designed, therefore, to increase our size in the Spirit." Graham Cooke

I am living with expectation....but whether or not the result is what I desire.....the enemy is still defeated. 

Kitchen Squeezes

 Stephanie here...

I woke up this morning craving a cup of tea and some worship music. I was met with a pink sun kissed sky beckoning me to a new day. I poured out my heart to Jesus and He met me with love and invitation welcoming me into whatever this new day will hold. Below is one of the songs I so enjoyed this morning...

God I look to You
I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You
You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength
I will love you Lord my shield
I will love You Lord my rock
Forever all my days, I will love you God

Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Forever all my days Hallelujah

Many people who know me are aware that I am NOT a morning person. The evening times tend to be my favorite. Lately, the evening goodbyes with Poppy have been some of the most memorable. We have this tradition I like to call kitchen squeezes. Growing up, if I was in the kitchen washing dishes or loading the dishwasher Poppy would come up behind me and give me a squeeze. Those squeezes always made me feel warm and protected. As an adult I have still received those squeezes though they are rarely in the kitchen. These days they happen every night when I am heading home. He gives me that tight, long kitchen squeeze. Savoring those squeezes.

Certainty?

We've been doing a lot of deep reflection- so instead, here's a practical nuts and bolts update for all of you through Kirby's eyes...

Pop's doing pretty well, all things considered. The past few days, he's often sitting up in his rocking chair, nibbling bites of food and sipping on tea, water, juice, milk, Pepsi and even a little home-brewed beer from the Clark family!

He feels like the bed is sort of a "ball and chain" so he lies down when he needs to catch naps in between countless beautifully meaningful visits with family and friends.  We've been showered with all sorts of loving calls, texts, emails, cards, flowers and gifts including a 12 pack of Pepsi from Tristan!

He is on a constant feed of pain meds through a "pick"- a permanent IV inserted through a large vein in the upper arm. The dosage is set so he doesn't feel pain but doesn't feel like a zombie either.  His little "magic box" (the digital pain med dispenser) has a little green button that we can push if he starts to feel a little discomfort.  He only has us hit that button a few times a day.

Ok, end of nuts and bolts update.  Back to a little more reflection...

There are a few things in life that are certain.  Perhaps the two most notorious certainties are death and taxes.

I have recently been fascinated by the idea of certainty.  In honor of Al my Pal I'd like to pontificate a tad on that...

It is absolutely certain that Al Britton is going to die.

But it is also certain that I am going to die.

And YOU are going to die.

So why is it that death seems to surprise people so much?  We never seem to be ready for it and it rarely occurs without surprise, even shock and confusion.  Death doesn't seem to make any sense- even though we sorta know it's a certainty.

What is NOT certain is WHEN death will come. It is uncertain for all of us- EVEN FOR AL.  I've lived enough years to know that when doctors estimate how long "someone has to live" they are pretty much blowing smoke.  Some people die earlier and some people live years and even decades beyond when they were "supposed to die."

So here's what I'm suggesting.  Why should we agree with any kind of timing given to us for our lives or for Pop's life?  The timing isn't certain, so let's treat it like it should be- UNcertain.

Therefore, what is it that we are praying for?  Do we now take on an attitude of resignation, where we talk about Al as though he's already gone?  Do we agree to the timing that the doctors have "prophesied" over him?

Well, I for one, will not resign. I will not agree.  And I'm smiling in my defiance.  I'm going to leave a LOT of room in my thinking to allow for the possibility of the miraculous.

Why is there a tendency to switch to some sort of resigned prayer when people hear from a natural source (like a doctor) that somebody is going to die?  Instead of "LORD please heal him" do we now switch to something like "oh well I guess you don't want to heal him" or "I guess he's more needed in heaven than on earth?"

Well, I don't. And I won't.

Maybe it's because people don't want to run the risk of being disappointed with God.  But the only alternative is to withhold praying for what we actually desire.

I think our Father God truly cares about our heart's desire, so why shouldn't I ask Him for what I truly desire with childlike faith?  I shouldn't try to determine His answer before I even ask.  And His answer won't change my perception of Him anyway.

"It is impossible to grow in faith unless you have something to overcome. Life is about how we meet problems, difficulties and adversity and how we rise up and surmount such obstacles.  An authentic life in the spirit requires both training and proving." -Graham Cooke

Pop extracts some honey a few years ago.

A Geyser and a Ladder

Stephanie here...

Today was an adventure.

I saw a geyser on my way home from Mom and Pop's house. A fitting had broken and water was everywhere. This is the realm of Poppy. He is the water man. When these things happen I run and get him and he throws his shoes on to come assess the damage. Today, it was just me and Kirby on a cell phone guiding me through. After a ladder down into the well pit and a few boo boo's on my hand it was remedied.

It reminded me in the midst how Jesus has given us everything we need. Everything. It just has to be lived out daily, chosen, received and enjoyed.

In the well pit I enjoyed that I have been learning my way around that place the past few years with Poppy's guidance. He has given me everything I need. And I so love recounting my tale to him and seeing his chuckle and kindly eyes looking back at me. He is a treasure beyond to my heart.

Sabbath and Pepsi

Stephanie Here...

Today was not an unusual Sunday for us...eggs, bacon, tea, reading and sharing. We also did our Advent reading today. Poppy felt well enough to sit in his chair and read Luke 1 for us. It was glorious and special. He loves the Christmas story, it is really his only favorite thing about the season except he does adore a good sugar cookie.

Sabbath days for us have been holy together for a long time and today was no different. In the past years Sundays have held some of our richest talks and deepest lessons. I try to savor every moment and feel I just can't take it all in. But it will never be enough...we always long for more because we are designed for eternity...for the more.

Pepsi made a welcome appearance on our Sabbath today. Poppy was craving an ice cold Pepsi. I bought him a 2 liter at the store and mom called to say he was anxiously waiting and wondered when I would be home with that Pepsi. We poured it on ice and watched him drink it with as much enjoyment as a 5 year old who just met Mickey Mouse for the first time. He raised his fists in the air and cheered after he drank it. You would have thought he had witnessed the Broncos score a touch down but it was just a cheer for Pepsi. It was a great day!

Poppy reading Luke 1 at our Advent breakfast

Treasures in Heaven

"Don’t hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or stolen by burglars. 

Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being... 
(Matthew 6, The Message Bible)

These are the words of Jesus.  And they are Poppy's words, too.  

In fact, Pop spoke these words again today when he was describing how rich he feels.  He was explaining to a friend about the Life of God, how to determine the things in life that really matter, where the real treasures are to be found: the treasures of God lie in the places where hearts rub together and the magic of relationship happens.  

First, relationship between God and man- the heart of the One who Created intertwined with the created ones- we are all made in His image.  We will run throughout life looking for that elixir that will fill the chasm of desire deep within our souls until we stand at the feet of the One who made us and return to His wide open arms of love.  That's how He designed it.

And second, relationship with our fellow human beings- those with whom we share our lives.  How many of you have enjoyed breakfast and tea with Al my Pal and have felt so intensely loved that you felt more than full of food when you left?  Yes, after time spent with him, you feel full of love- truly seen and cherished to your core.

Today was evidence of how rich Al has become with the Treasures of Heaven.  There was a constant flow of friends and family filing through his home offering embraces, laughter, fantastic conversation and reminiscing and countless beautiful tears.  At one point Lana asked, "Allie, are you ready to break and take a little nap?"  

To which Al replied, "Oh, Lan I'm fine.  Besides, I don't want the magic to end!"

That's the magic: it's in our relationships. These are true Treasures in Heaven.

We are growing more than plants out here in our greenhouses.  We are growing love, fostering relationships, enjoying those places where hearts rub together.  And we will always continue to do so, now more than ever.

Family and friends gather in a greenhouse on November 24, 2013 to hear Al share his heart.

Integrity, Rulers and the Battle of Hastings: Lessons for a Lifetime

Kirby here...

We slept well last night.  I slept in the living room with Al just to help out when he needed me.  Lana crashed for a much needed rest in her own bed after a long week.

This morning, the first person Pop asked to chat with was my son Benjamin. (he'll be 10 in 2 weeks) So Ben came over and as they began chatting, I realized how significant this conversation was going to be and I grabbed a pen and paper.

Ben just did a project at school on William the Conqueror and so that's where they started talking.  When William took the throne of England after the battle of Hastings in 1066AD, he changed a lot of things including the laws and rules of the land.  They chatted awhile about the background of the story and then Al began to teach.

Here I offer you this recounting of what Al said next to Ben- words of truth to teach all of us:

"William the Conqueror employed the 'Golden Rule' which by his definition was- he who has the gold... rules. He craved power and money.  Throughout English, French, Spanish, and other royalty, integrity is very difficult to find.

What does it mean to be a man of integrity?  A man of integrity is one who holds onto and practices principles of integrity which is

1.) you do what you say you'll do,
2.) you see ahead of time the needs of others and you meet those needs to please others,
3.) you follow through to finish things you say you'll do, and
4.) you don't need recognition for the private acts of service and love that you do.

And those things are the painting of how we will rule in God's Kingdom.  We'll rule like Jesus does.  Jesus said that if we see him we see the Father, so that's what we are called to do- to rule like Jesus so that when people see us they see Jesus. That's the kind of rulers God wants us to be."

Here, here, Pop, these are truths to last for eternity.

Settled

We just arrived home.  The transition from hospice to home took a while, but we made it! We've popped a bottle of wine and have lasagna in the oven.  It is good to be where we belong.  Looking forward to resting tonight!

Martin Luther

Stephanie here..

I am enjoying a long chat about Martin Luther by Poppy. We were talking about the hymn, A Mighty Fortress is Our God. It is his favorite. We asked him why he likes it so much. In turn, we got a long rich history lesson. I learned of all Luther's faults and praises. He loves the words to that hymn but also loves that it used to be an old beer hall tune. Luther loved his beer.

I feel the war between wanting to say, "this is so hard," and "this is such a sweet and tender time." So, I have to choose. I have to choose every moment. I choose sweetness. It is only possible with God's matchless grace and presence. He has caught our hearts in numerous ways already today with divine appointments and prayer and worship.

Rounding Third and Heading for Home

Al arrived last night at the hospice center and settled in for the night.  He was able to sleep a little more soundly since troublesome pain and hiccups were taken care of with meds. 

After being at three other medical facilities over the past four days, he is "rounding third" and heading for home today!  He should be settled in at his own digs by late this afternoon!

Since his pain is under control he is feeling much more himself.  He wanted to shower this morning and so he took a long and refreshing one!  This afternoon we will get him set up at home with his comfy reclining bed, pain meds and oxygen and all necessary accessories.

He is excited to enjoy visits with many of you who love him, and we will set up a visiting schedule that you can sign up for a slot so he can know when to expect you.  This will be very helpful to avoid visits becoming overwhelming for Al and Lana. 

We are so thankful for these precious moments to enjoy! Thanks again to all of you for your love, prayer, encouragement, support!

The Twilight Zone

Kirby here...

The oncology wing of Memorial Hospital Central is a very special place.  The staff and surroundings are filled with love and nurture and we became very fond of it.  One individual in particular was named John.  He's a kind, strong, no-nonsense nurse practitioner who was extremely helpful to us all and made his affections for our family and especially Al very clear. He took GREAT care of Al!

Al says goodbye to John, a phenomenal nurse practitioner.

It was sad to say goodbye to the nurses and techs there.  But since Al's situation is no longer considered acute, we needed to move him to a hospice facility which we did around 6pm tonight.  He and Lana got another ambulance ride to the hospice a few miles away.

And now, you enter an elevator.  The doors open.  You step out of the elevator and you are no longer enjoying life in 2013.  You are frozen in some sort of time warp sometime around 1979 and floating down a hall smelling sterile and deathly with cries of forgotten souls behind curtains in each room, gaudy red sitting chairs are in the corner and drab wooden end tables with vases with silk flowers and strange paintings on the wall. At the end of the hall is a spooky old piano that you half expect to begin playing by itself...

You have just entered... The Twilight Zone.

At least that's how it felt to us! 

But Al is stable on a continuous feed of pain medicine and oxygen and was feeling quite himself once we got settled into his little room.  After some intense prayer proclaiming life and joy and peace over the space in that room, we ordered hamburgers and french fries and sodas and enjoyed some dinner while watching the start of the Broncos game.  Al looked over at me, reached out his hand for mine and when I grabbed his, he looked at me and said, "I love hanging out with you."  Love it!

He doesn't have much appetite, but he's able to use the bathroom on his own and his pain is taken care of with the meds.  We immediately sense that we want to move him home as soon as possible.  So we will see how things go tonight and make some decisions tomorrow.  (Lana is sleeping in his room on a nice hide-a-bed.)

All of this time with him has felt like bonus blessing, but we will continue to pray toward healing and recovery.  For now our hearts are resting easy knowing that he is not hurting or uncomfortable and it looks promising that all of us will get a good night's rest.

Thank you for praying with us for our beloved Poppy, Al my Pal!

Champagne Anyone??

Poppy is having the best day for several days now. His pain is better. He has been up for stories and talking. We have enjoyed lots of time with family which is delightful! I heard some track stories and WWII stories AND always some great Kingdom talks.

So hospice has come to talk to us. They asked Poppy what he thought and he said," this is an exciting time for joy and celebration. I think we should have some champagne!" He really meant it. He wanted us to sneak him in some.

So we did! 

We popped a bottle of Asti Spumanti and shared it together with styrofoam cups.  Karsten (Al's brutha from anutha mutha) popped the bottle and Al presented the toast. He said, "To friends now and friends for eternity." 

Perfect! What absolutely holy and beautiful fellowship!

Waffles and Wonderful Moments

We are enjoying a quiet morning.  Al said he'd like a waffle from The Egg & I restaurant- the place that over the years has become Al's "other office."  Our favorite server, Patti, personally prepared his waffle to go.  Stephanie arrived with the waffle and Al wanted to sit up to enjoy it.

And so, we enjoyed yet another breakfast chat with Poppy.  He only had a few bites, but it was a sacred meal nevertheless.  He is resting now in a quiet room with Stephanie holding his hand.

Our strategy at this point is to meet with a hospice team this afternoon to discuss our options from here.  Al's kidneys are struggling which means he may only have a few more days with us.  And so every moment with him is a gift.  These are holy moments.

He is fully aware of what is happening.  I asked him at one point if he was just thinking and he responded, "Oh I'm always thinking!"  Our conversations reveal the fact that deep in Al's heart, he is experiencing comfort, joy and peace.  He is more concerned with everyone else than himself.  There has never been an anxious bone in Al's body and even at this juncture that remains true.  He is a steady rock.  A good man to the core.

I wanted to share a photo that I snapped on our way to the cancer center on Monday.  The sunrise was unreal- it looked literally like a tongue of fire.  You'll remember that in scripture the presence of the Holy Spirit in the book of Acts was as a tongue of fire.  Yes, God is with us every step of this journey.

Colorado Sunrise on December 9, 2013.  No, I didn't Photoshop this image!

Sun Chips and a Sandwich

Stephanie Here....

I am sitting here with Poppy. We have been here since Monday. If I were to recount all of the sweet and amazing moments we have had since then it would fill up a book. God is so kind. We love Him so much, don't you just love Him so much? His Life and Glory and Goodness invade every crack and leave us breathless.

A few stories.....

Poppy had not eaten since last Thursday. Low and behold, yesterday while we thought he was finally sleeping we went out of the room to eat our lunch. He hollered and beckoned us back into the room. He asked if we were eating and leaving him out. I asked him if he wanted some food and so we all listed off our sandwich choices. He chose mine. And so, we shared a sandwich just like we do so often....and some cheddar Sun Chips. I tasted the sweetness, not of the sandwich, but of the moment. Sharing and enjoying the simple things that mean we are together.

Today we learned that there is nothing more medically and physically doctors can do for Poppy. We talked about it all together and in the midst, our hearts were held fast, tight, and near. Poppy said, "Our greatest reality is God's heart is always for us and His intentions are always good. And I know that I am his beloved son!" Yes Poppy they are grander than we can think or imagine. He is grander with vast plans. And you are his beloved son.

So, are we in the valley...well it sure does not feel like a valley. It feels more like walking on water towards our Jesus. Surfing the waves. We see his eyes and we turn our face towards Him and keep our eyes on His. His eyes are joyous, kind and calling us onward.

Poppy says he has so much going on in his mind and he wishes he could write....hopefully we have some more words from him we can share. Right now we are enjoying all of them for ourselves. Every time he has been alert (inbetween pain meds) he has been fully himself, funny, engaging, and whisical in every way. Oh what unspeakable joy. What a holy honor to be able to say goodbye and love with all God gives to us!

Joy Anyway!

Kirby here...

I plagiarized this blog post title from a letter I received.

Our friend John wrote recently about how joy can often seem to be so elusive in a world that is filled with so much suffering, loneliness and pain.  But it is not elusive to those who hope in something not of this world...

I spent yesterday and much of today in the trenches of suffering with my beloved Al and Lana.  Stephanie already told you some of the details, (see her earlier post) but what I find almost indescribable is this incessant, sustaining, comforting joy that flows through my heart.  We are filled with joy... anyway!

Since we found out about Al's cancer, our hearts have stood firmly in the presence of our God and Father, moved to worship Him like never before. I believe it is this spirit of worship that is what causes this joy to pulse through our veins.  It is like a love song that our entire family is singing together in unison.

Kirby and Al doing a "Walkabout" at Rocky Mountain Cancer Center

 When it comes to the details of what's happening right now with Al, I feel like Inigo Montoya from the movie "The Princess Bride:"

"Let me explain.  No. There is too much. Let me sum up."

The last 48 hours have been filled with so many visits with different doctors at different medical facilities and conversations with nurses and discussions of possible treatments and various assessments of Al's situation that it feels impossible to update you on all the details. So let me summarize...

Al and Lana are spending another night at the hospital tonight.  When Stephanie and I left, Al was comfortably settled into a new (and more comfortable) hospital bed, with pain medication setting in and to use Lana's words, "he's sawing logs." He definitely needs some rest after these past two days.

He's got a lot of fluid (ascites) in his abdomen (he's gained over 12 pounds recently probably mostly fluid) which is wreaking havoc on his body.  Basically he constantly feels an intense (and painful) sensation of needing to go to the bathroom, but with no relief.  There's various reasons suggested for this fluid, but none absolutely certain.  He's scheduled to have a sonogram tomorrow morning to check out where all the fluid is and then possibly to have a paracentesis to remove some of it.

We'll know more tomorrow.  But as Stephanie said, each day has enough trouble of its own, so we are all falling into bed tonight with that oh-so-elusive-yet-ever-sustaining joy... anyway!

I cannot overstate how grateful we all are for your fervent prayer, kind encouragement and loving support.  It feels like a gigantic safety net beneath us all as we perform a daring trapeze act.  So thank you THANK YOU!

Click here to listen to a song that helped sustain us through today.  It'll be worth the five minutes you spend listening.

Walking Together

Stephanie here again...

We realized it has been a few days since an update on Poppy. It has been a few hard few days for him since Saturday. He has had some very serious symptoms and it has been hard to determine if it is from the chemo or the tumor itself. We are beginning to realize it is probably all due to the tumor. He has been in horrible pain. The worst I have witnessed and he has been the most agitated that mom says she has ever seen him. Yesterday he was at the cancer center for some fluids and they could not get him comfortable. Mom pushed to take him home but even there he could not get comfortable feeling like he has so much pressure in his tummy. So mom and Kirby took him to the emergency room where they tried to get him out of pain. It was not very successful and hard on their hearts to watch. I came later after tuncking in Ben and B and met them at the hospital. They admitted him and were finally able to get him comfortable. But not after much heartache of watching him suffer and be undone by the pain. They told us his belly is full of fluid which is putting all the extra pressure in there and what he is responding to at this point. We are going to see what his oncologist says today.

So, that is the physical realities of things today but that is not the unseen realities. The unseen things are more real and of greater importance. I had a short but great talk with Poppy on Sunday laying on his bed with him. I asked him what he was doing with all of his time in bed. I asked if he and Jesus were having some good times together. He said, "Oh yes, I have NOT been bored back here. I just wish I felt better to enjoy it more." We had a good talk about WWII (some of our favorite chats) and God's Kingdom (our other favorite topic.)

Poppy and I have logged many miles together, running,walking and talking. For the past 15 years we have walked miles around the nursery looking at plants and insects and wondering aloud to each other about the growth of flowers and how marvelous they can be (and bewildering.) He has taught me everything I know about growing flowers. But more than that He has just walked with me and talked with me about everything. I know that I know that I KNOW, that our heavenly Father walks with us closer than our breath. That is our joy today and Poppy's joy as well. We live in joy and that is our gift.

One Moment at a Time

Stephanie here...

Pop started his first round of chemo on Thursday and I was surprised to realize it is only Saturday today. It feels like it has been a week. He has had to go back in one time to be hooked up to receive some fluids since it is so hard on his kidneys. Chemo is brutal to the body. He has been able to mitigate the nausea with medication but it is pretty miserable to say the least. He also had to be put on oxygen since his levels were very low. He came home with that yesterday and they have come to the house to set him all up with a unit in the living room. He seems to be sleeping much better with more air. He is supposed to be drinking 2 to 3 quarts of fluids a day and that is the hardest part for him. He does not love water in the first place but now it is hard for him to swallow after the chemo. So this task is proving the hardest. Mom takes great care of him and writes down his water intake on a little piece of paper. It is a sweet dance to watch as they coordinate water, medication, and the myriad of other adjustments made throughout one day.

I am constantly learning that one day is enough, as Jesus so gently said, "Do not worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of its own." So we take the one day and we enjoy it to the full, love to the full, bring ourselves fully present to it, and not think past the hours and moments that it holds. It is enough. One moment at a time... I love watching mom love fully and still bring her humor to the table. I love watching her tears that come when the reality of the day sets in and it feels too much. She is present to her moments and her moments hold my Pop in tender grace and selflessness. Beauty mixed with pain.

A Skylark plus two rainbows...

Lana here...

Our day began very early, setting out at 6:00, to make the trek downtown for treatment. What amazing, loving people that work at the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center. They treated Al with such kindness as they started his "cocktail" and explained the procedures. He was given an anti-nausea drug immediately and then we settled in for the next 6 hours. Watching all the other patients come and go, some walking by with knowing nods and smiles, put us all on an even playing ground, fighting a common battle.

My Skylark today (from the book Tramp for the Lord), was the warmth of our nurse MaryJo, who spent time with us, encouraged us, and suggested a different anti-nausea drug to be taken for only 3 days. It gave me hope that Al could get a better handle on that side-effect. And then Stephanie called to say that Little B saw two rainbows over the mountains and I was able to look and there they were....hope times two. 

And so today we press in and see that we are not alone. "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you." "The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid, what will man do to me?" Heb. 13: 5,6
Thank you all again for caring and reading our story.

And so it begins....

Lana, here... 

We just got approval and scheduled to begin Al's treatment tomorrow morning at 7:00. 

The first treatment consists of two drugs, Gemzar and Cisplatin. Eight days later he will get just Gemzar and then in another eight days Gemzar again. And, hopefully, the tumor will respond and the treatment will be repeated until it shrinks to an operable size. 

Needless to say, we are hopeful and  grateful to at least have a game plan. We covet your prayers and have felt your outpouring of love and support. 

Al's Reflections on a Cold Colorado Day

Hey,

   It's cold and windy out, and I am chopping at the bit to write...Sort of like when you're all backed up and just need to get that hard, old plug out to get things flowing again. (I notice I use anal comparisons more than the past.)
 
   So the plug is out, and here we go.

   I have never been interested in "mindless conversation". Consequently, I choose to not write in that manner either.. Without going down a rabbit trail,  I believe the amount of time, energy, money, and preoccupation  with social media is a serious flaw in our culture. It is made even more problematic when many think that they are actually sharing and communicating at a deep level.

   I believe it is in the nature of God to always want to teach... Every moment has the potential for learning. We know that children, from the time they are born, have this insatiable desire to know about this new life they are living. They (we) are like dry sponges, soaking in everything.  As we grow older, that desire to learn takes some hits. The "tyranny of the urgent" begins to interfere with much of what I now come to treasure.

   Another thing that I think of often is what effect "unexamined ideas" have on our beliefs, which then lead to choices we make on an everyday basis. "Knowing" that I'm  not a good math student, will strongly influence study habits, putting math  homework off until last, or not doing it at all. I certainly would not envision myself in the future as having a job with NASA...

   If it is God's nature to always want to teach (is that an unexamined idea?) , and that learning is one of our deepest desires (unexamined idea), what do our lives reveal about their value to us?

Head 'em Up - Move 'em Out - Rawhide! Another Meeting With Dr. Markus

Al at the celebration gathering on Nov 24, 2013

{Kirby here again on Al's behalf- Al wanted to write today, but with the day's activities he wasn't able to sit and enter a post. Maybe tomorrow you'll get to hear directly from the Big Cheese!}

Al has to simply take one day at at time.  Coping with pain takes a lot of his energy.  The pressure from the abdominal tumor is causing very uncomfortable symptoms like lack of appetite and labored breathing.  Al has been making every effort to stay up as much as possible during the day to avoid back pain from lying in bed as well as to aid in his ability to sleep at night. 

At 10:30 this morning, Al had a meeting at the office of Dr. Maurice (pronounced "Morris") Markus of the Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers. (Read about Dr. Markus by clicking HERE.)

Maurice Markus, M.D. Ph.D.

Lana, Stephanie and Kirby went along with Al to hear what the doctor had to say first-hand.  The results of the tests done by Caris Life Sciences came back this morning.  CARIS does molecular profiling of various types of cancerous tumors.  In simple terms, they test cancer cells (especially unidentified types such as what Al has) by applying different kinds of medicines to the cells and seeing how they respond.  They can then draw conclusions and make recommendations about what medicines will most likely be effective or NOT be effective to fight against the cancer cells.

Dr. Markus feels that they should begin treatment before the end of this week using the medicines recommended by CARIS in conjunction with another medicine that he believes could be effective.  The treatment will be intravenous once a week for a three week cycle, continuing to more cycles until positive results are seen.  The Dr. said that it could take a few weeks before positive response to the treatment, but that it could possibly reduce the size of the mass and give Al relief from the abdominal pressure.  Under ideal circumstances, the mass could be reduced to a size that would allow for it to be surgically removed.

After further discussion with Dr. Markus and some questions and answers, Al paused and said, "Well.  Let's get this going. Head 'em up. Move 'em out."  To which Dr. Markus replied, "Rawhide!"

We plan to send the pathology and CAT scans to another source to compile further medical opinions, but beginning treatment sooner rather than later is the current strategy.

Thanks again to all of you who are remembering Al in your thoughts and prayers!  He knows you'd all like to hear directly from him and when he is feeling up to it he said he has lots of thoughts to share with all of you!  So as I said before, stay tuned...

Quiet Family Thanksgiving and Tucking In Plants

Kirby (Al's son-in-law) writes:

Al enjoyed some great days over Thanksgiving and had some good visits and time praying with friends and family.  We had a peaceful family Thanksgiving- Stephanie (my wife, Al's daughter!) whipped up an amazing made-from-scratch pumpkin pie which of course Al enjoyed a healthy slice!

Al did a great job over the weekend coaching Stephanie and Kirby with the final irrigation regimen as we "tuck in" our plants for the winter.  (It is amazing how much Al has stored in his head after more than 30 years managing irrigation!)  After a few minor problems with finicky valves and frozen pipes, the plants were thoroughly saturated.  With help from lots of reinforcement team members, we finished covering all the plants today with frost guard blankets so now everyone can relax and enjoy the winter "hibernation"!

Thanks to all of you for your consistent prayer and encouraging words!  Al indicated that he has lots of thoughts to post to this blog tomorrow so stay tuned!